Monday, March 02, 2009

A Never-Posted Post from a Few Weeks Ago

Things here have been very…umm…up in the air. We have been waiting…baited breath and all…for the next step in our lives to arrive. We’ve been hoping and planning and working and waiting and anticipating for a couple of years now. We thought that the time had arrived. December was a tough month…and the first two weeks of January weren't so hot either. We’re coping…barely. I feel like that’s the best we can do right now…it’s all we can do to be honest. I think we’re both just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other…repeat...let’s just get through this day…repeat…let’s try to get at least a little bit of sleep tonight…repeat.

What’s making it even harder is that we don’t know where to go from here. This has shaken us…deeply. And as we attempt to piece things back together, to grieve and to accept and to move on, we are left to wonder which direction to turn.

Needless to say, I haven't felt much like creating. I haven't felt inspired. I haven't felt like doing much of anything at all. Depression rears its ugly head. We're old friends, but I refuse to let it in this time. I'm trying to keep busy...mundane things, organizing, working, laundry, baking. I need to nest. I need to rediscover the things I love, the things that make me happiest.

Send me warm thoughts for these chilly times. I'll bounce back soon enough.

Brutal Honesty

It has not been a good day. I’m irritable and restless and generally irked. I want more….something more…anything more. And yet I realize the folly in wanting something…anything…different. It can be summed up in the old “the grass is always greener” adage.

I try to picture myself as a stranger driving down the streets of downtown small town Wisconsin…seeing the quaint houses, the small businesses, the drawbridges over the river…I try to imagine myself pulling up to my house for the first time. It has tremendous curb appeal and it’s fabulously quirky inside. I try to remind myself to focus on all I have and not to get restless…not to close my eyes and wish myself elsewhere.

We’ve had such a sunny winter…unusually sunny, I think. And yet, I’m so restless, so aimless and drifting. The icy landscape isn’t helping.

Here’s to writing a gratitude list tonight and to a better day tomorrow.